Hello everyone!
It has been awhile since I last blogged and I apologize. I wanted to wait until I could write a super uplifting and positive post but the inspiration never came so I just neglected my blog all together. I do have some good news though =)
Now that I am no longer taking major stimulants (except 5mg of adderall once a day) my anxiety has greatly improved. I also find myself feeling emotions more deeply yet evenly. I smile more, I laugh more and I cry more. When I am over tired or I have been pushing myself I can tell immediately, which is good because I am becoming more in tune with my body but it is also frustrating because it doesn''t take much before I start experiencing the symptoms. Emotionally, I become irritated quickly or overly sensitive. Though it is annoying, it is the easiest for me to deal with. Mentally, I could rant for hours about how much I DESPISE the what happens to me mentally but I wont -grumble grumble-. Now that I don't have large amounts of amphetamine to keep my brain running at 1000 mph, when I exhaust my energy my ability to think properly goes down the toilet. I get intense brain fog which makes it difficult for me to talk correctly, remember things, comprehend things, connect dots and make my mouth say what my brain is telling it to say. I feel trapped in my own brain. I take pride in my intelligence, I consider myself to be above average so when this shit happens it's hard not to cry because I truly feel dumb. It may sound silly but for example, I gave a friend a massage the other day and half way through it when brain fog started creeping in...I couldn't remember what I had already done, I forgot how to do different techniques and I was having a hard time applying what the clock was at to what I was doing (how much time I had left to work on this area, how much time before massage ended). Then we hung out after the massage... I am going to explain it like this. I felt like part of my brain (which involves talking, putting thoughts together) was drunk and dumb and other parts of my brain(observing, listening, beginning of thoughts) were sober, aware and embarrassed..
To be fair to myself, I got poor sleep the night before so it isn't always that bad so early in the day. Then we have the physical signs, these are a treat. I used to just have issues with my hands shaking but now my legs have joined the party. I first noticed this when I was doing dishes, I had to lean heavily against the sink because not only were my legs shaking but they were weak. It's happened as I was carrying a bunch of groceries up the stairs of my apartment, kind of scary. I also get headaches, dizzy, weakness in limbs(which results in dropping things or tripping) and blurred vision.
Well I lost focus haha sooo, moving on!
Last night I didn't wake up to take my second dose of my sleeping medication. When I was on stimulants it didn't really make a difference or if it did I didn't notice...Not the case anymore. I feel like garbage. It's so frustrating because I set a loud alarm to wake me up but I don't even remember hearing it. I need to work on not letting this ruin my whole day but it's difficult. One simple stupid little thing I have to do at night that makes a huge impact on how I am going to feel the entire next day and how much I am going to be able to do. Tonight I will set two alarms and put my phone out of my reach so I have to get up to turn it off... It's a bummer waking up and seeing that cup full, my heart sinks as I come to terms with the fact that my productivity for the day will be minimal.
This one is going to be a shorter one but I will be writing more often again.
Have a lovely day everyone =)
It has been awhile since I last blogged and I apologize. I wanted to wait until I could write a super uplifting and positive post but the inspiration never came so I just neglected my blog all together. I do have some good news though =)
Now that I am no longer taking major stimulants (except 5mg of adderall once a day) my anxiety has greatly improved. I also find myself feeling emotions more deeply yet evenly. I smile more, I laugh more and I cry more. When I am over tired or I have been pushing myself I can tell immediately, which is good because I am becoming more in tune with my body but it is also frustrating because it doesn''t take much before I start experiencing the symptoms. Emotionally, I become irritated quickly or overly sensitive. Though it is annoying, it is the easiest for me to deal with. Mentally, I could rant for hours about how much I DESPISE the what happens to me mentally but I wont -grumble grumble-. Now that I don't have large amounts of amphetamine to keep my brain running at 1000 mph, when I exhaust my energy my ability to think properly goes down the toilet. I get intense brain fog which makes it difficult for me to talk correctly, remember things, comprehend things, connect dots and make my mouth say what my brain is telling it to say. I feel trapped in my own brain. I take pride in my intelligence, I consider myself to be above average so when this shit happens it's hard not to cry because I truly feel dumb. It may sound silly but for example, I gave a friend a massage the other day and half way through it when brain fog started creeping in...I couldn't remember what I had already done, I forgot how to do different techniques and I was having a hard time applying what the clock was at to what I was doing (how much time I had left to work on this area, how much time before massage ended). Then we hung out after the massage... I am going to explain it like this. I felt like part of my brain (which involves talking, putting thoughts together) was drunk and dumb and other parts of my brain(observing, listening, beginning of thoughts) were sober, aware and embarrassed..
To be fair to myself, I got poor sleep the night before so it isn't always that bad so early in the day. Then we have the physical signs, these are a treat. I used to just have issues with my hands shaking but now my legs have joined the party. I first noticed this when I was doing dishes, I had to lean heavily against the sink because not only were my legs shaking but they were weak. It's happened as I was carrying a bunch of groceries up the stairs of my apartment, kind of scary. I also get headaches, dizzy, weakness in limbs(which results in dropping things or tripping) and blurred vision.
Well I lost focus haha sooo, moving on!
Last night I didn't wake up to take my second dose of my sleeping medication. When I was on stimulants it didn't really make a difference or if it did I didn't notice...Not the case anymore. I feel like garbage. It's so frustrating because I set a loud alarm to wake me up but I don't even remember hearing it. I need to work on not letting this ruin my whole day but it's difficult. One simple stupid little thing I have to do at night that makes a huge impact on how I am going to feel the entire next day and how much I am going to be able to do. Tonight I will set two alarms and put my phone out of my reach so I have to get up to turn it off... It's a bummer waking up and seeing that cup full, my heart sinks as I come to terms with the fact that my productivity for the day will be minimal.
This one is going to be a shorter one but I will be writing more often again.
Have a lovely day everyone =)