I do not speak for all Narcoleptics but I do know that many suffer from feeling guilt related to their narcolepsy. Now, as I was saying...
I feel guilt. I am not doing enough. I am not happy enough. I am not trying hard enough. I am not sleeping enough. I am not exercising enough. I am not promoting my business enough. I am not cleaning enough. I am not being social enough. I am not working on myself enough. I'm not reaching out to my friends enough. It's never enough.... I feel like I am a burden to those around me. I have goals, dreams, ideas, interests, that to do list and the motivation to do it but I am trapped in this broken body. It's frustrating. It's more than frustrating. It's heart crushing. I feel guilty that I am the way I am. I feel guilty that I am not pleasant to be around (the majority of the time). I feel guilty that I flake on plans because I am too tired. I feel guilty that I did absolutely nothing productive today. I feel guilty that I need so much help lately. I feel guilty that my emotions can get the best of me and at the drop of a hat I start crying, or get angry for no apparent reason. I feel guilty that I can't be more spontaneous and fun. I could go on but I think I made my point.
I have lost many friends because of something related to my Narcolepsy. I have even lost myself a couple times. To be more fun and outgoing I would go out drinking...At first it was great (or so I thought) I came to life! I was happy, talkative, had energy, laughed and was fun to be around. This has been said to me on multiple occasions "Uh oh, Nora is quiet and being a wallflower, she hasn't started drinking yet!" Ultimately, I relied too heavily on drinking to the point where it took a turn for the very bad. Fast fact; Narcolepsy causes issues with metabolism. So I would be drinking and I would be fine, buzzed, tipsy, tipsy, BLACK OUT DRUNK. It came out of nowhere and it was bad. It took me awhile to finally recognize that I was no longer going out to have fun but I was going out to be someone else so it came to an end and my number of friends dwindled even more.
So what was the point of this blog?
I feel guilt because of what Narcolepsy does to me.
I feel guilty because of what my disease does to me.
I feel like I am not enough because of Narcolepsy.
I feel like a burden because of my Narcolepsy.
When I say it like that, it sounds a bit ridiculous. So that is a relief.
As I continue down the path of working with my Narcolepsy (instead of against) I have a feeling that all these feelings of guilt and shame will turn into feelings of understanding and compassion. I also have hope that the further down the path I go, the brighter and happier I will become.
Which reminds me, here is an update in regards to where I currently am in my journey.
Tomorrow will be day one of nuvigil.
No more 70mg of vyvanse.
The only stimulant I will be on as needed (not daily) 5mg of adderall.
I am terrified. So terrified that I am crying right now.
But I am doing this and I am giving it all that I got.